Condescending Jackwagon

I have very few words for this “man.”

I’m 29, with two degrees, I pay my bills, keep three fur babies alive, own my home and car (okay, technically the bank owns them), am divorced…

Maybe this was an attempt to be cute but all it did was piss me off because it was just so damn condescending. 

And the Award Goes to…

This dude! For the most underrated statement ever! (Roll with my hyperbole here…)

“I’m interested in working out…”

Well, no shit! I could have guessed you enjoyed the occasional visit to the gym but I appreciate the clarification since if it wasn’t clear from your profile statement, the photo of you He-Manning it up at the gym might do the trick. 

I’m sure he’s very nice… Just your average guy searching for love… on Tinder. But that photo is intimidating as shit for anyone, let alone an average-bodied gal like me. 

This may be rude…

…but I’m going to post it anyway. If you have to qualify your initial message to me with “Thi[s] may be rude” (which you can’t even type correctly), you probably shouldn’t say it. What’s that my mother always said? If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.

I really wanted to respond but I just didn’t want to waste my brain cells or give him the satisfaction of a response. 

If you could respond, what would you say?

Credit Score

Why? Just, why? Why would you show me a screenshot of your credit score? Just tell me you have your shit together in your profile blurb. This just makes you look like a tool. (Plus, mine is better 😉 See, you look like a tool).

I’m Not That Modern

I apparently missed the memo about open marriages. I mean, I’m a modern lady but I’m not that modern. 

One Question Begs Several of My Own 

This particular inquiry begs many questions:

  1. Who actually responds?
  2. How often does this work?
  3. Is it suppose to be cute? Funny? An ice-breaker?
  4. What is the purpose of the seemingly pornographic cartoon profile picture?
  5. Why does one choose a username with “lucifer”?
  6. How the hell did we match with even 32%? It makes me seriously doubt the logarithms.

Indirect Solicitation 

Is the picture in this profile (which is the only picture, I might add) a solicitation?  I’m not sure the going rate but it’s not enough. 

Also, my OCD is annoyed by the mismatched directionality of the various bills. 💵 

Is his name really spelled that way or is it a typo?

The sad thing is this will, if it hasn’t already, get right swipes. 

Tinder profile picture with $250


This one cracks me up for a couple reasons:

1. When I looked at the photo, totally thought there were dicks on his boxer briefs. 

2. I was amused to learn from his disclaimer that I was not the first to wonder “WTF? Why are there dicks on your boxer briefs?”

3. Clearly, he only seeks hookups and if I were that type of gal, I would eat those abs up. 

4. It is only fitting that given what this Tinderer seeks, he is 69 miles away…

Damn, Dudes are Sneaky

So I almost swiped right. And guys know we (yes, I am lumping all us women together #sorrynotsorry) are suckers for a cute baby animal but especially a puppy.

It’s tricky and sneaky. But damn, I bet it’s effective too. It’s his first photo. He knows I don’t have to look further or read the profile because clearly, he’s swipe-right worthy (or for my Seinfeld fans, sponge-worthy) simply because of that puppy 🐶 I mean, let’s be real — the pup is effing adorable.

But you know what, you could be Prince Harry holding that puppy and I will refuse to swipe right! I refuse to be manipulated like that! You could be Channing Tatum, Chris Pratt, Ryan Reynolds… and I will stand strong and say “No!”

(Luckily, I’m a commoner and none of these men are single so we never have to actually test my will-power…)

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