Jesus has Answered my Prayer

On this Single Awareness Day, I’ve been thinking a lot about my crush on a handsome bumbler who is not very actively reciprocating my crush. Boo Valentine’s Day! I keep hoping, and wishing, and thinking, and praying… that he’ll be as interested in me as I am in him. But I think he’s got his own issues to work on. Fine. I get it. Been there, done that. I’ll mosey along. 

At lease Jesus was able to answer my prayer this evening. 

Single Lady Thought of the Day

As I sit here on my couch, on a Friday night, alone, watching Dirty Grandapa, with my dog (okay, fine, and two cats)… I can’t help but think that if I were co-starring opposite Zac Efron, I would not only have a difficult time doing my job (partially because I suck at acting, but mostly because, ya know, Zac Efron) I would also be extremely unprofessional (because, ya know, Zac Efron).

I read once that he has zero game on tinder because girls think it’s a fake profile. I am now very likely to swipe right if I ever see his face on tinder. Guys, don’t be cruel and fake me out. And Zac, if you happen to enjoy the mountains and fresh air of the Pacific Northwest, hit me up 😉

That is all. 

Condescending Jackwagon

I have very few words for this “man.”

I’m 29, with two degrees, I pay my bills, keep three fur babies alive, own my home and car (okay, technically the bank owns them), am divorced…

Maybe this was an attempt to be cute but all it did was piss me off because it was just so damn condescending. 

And the Award Goes to…

This dude! For the most underrated statement ever! (Roll with my hyperbole here…)

“I’m interested in working out…”

Well, no shit! I could have guessed you enjoyed the occasional visit to the gym but I appreciate the clarification since if it wasn’t clear from your profile statement, the photo of you He-Manning it up at the gym might do the trick. 

I’m sure he’s very nice… Just your average guy searching for love… on Tinder. But that photo is intimidating as shit for anyone, let alone an average-bodied gal like me. 

This may be rude…

…but I’m going to post it anyway. If you have to qualify your initial message to me with “Thi[s] may be rude” (which you can’t even type correctly), you probably shouldn’t say it. What’s that my mother always said? If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.

I really wanted to respond but I just didn’t want to waste my brain cells or give him the satisfaction of a response. 

If you could respond, what would you say?

Credit Score

Why? Just, why? Why would you show me a screenshot of your credit score? Just tell me you have your shit together in your profile blurb. This just makes you look like a tool. (Plus, mine is better 😉 See, you look like a tool).

I’m Not That Modern

I apparently missed the memo about open marriages. I mean, I’m a modern lady but I’m not that modern. 

One Question Begs Several of My Own 

This particular inquiry begs many questions:

  1. Who actually responds?
  2. How often does this work?
  3. Is it suppose to be cute? Funny? An ice-breaker?
  4. What is the purpose of the seemingly pornographic cartoon profile picture?
  5. Why does one choose a username with “lucifer”?
  6. How the hell did we match with even 32%? It makes me seriously doubt the logarithms.

Indirect Solicitation 

Is the picture in this profile (which is the only picture, I might add) a solicitation?  I’m not sure the going rate but it’s not enough. 

Also, my OCD is annoyed by the mismatched directionality of the various bills. 💵 

Is his name really spelled that way or is it a typo?

The sad thing is this will, if it hasn’t already, get right swipes. 

Tinder profile picture with $250

Disclaimer

This one cracks me up for a couple reasons:

1. When I looked at the photo, totally thought there were dicks on his boxer briefs. 

2. I was amused to learn from his disclaimer that I was not the first to wonder “WTF? Why are there dicks on your boxer briefs?”

3. Clearly, he only seeks hookups and if I were that type of gal, I would eat those abs up. 

4. It is only fitting that given what this Tinderer seeks, he is 69 miles away…

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